How to fix something broken

Random thoughts

Month: May, 2014

I just want to be perfect

Natalie Portman as ballet dancer Nina Sayers in Black Swan, by Darren Aronofsky (2010)

As I lay dying …

As I lay dying

«Sometimes I ain’t so sho’ who’s got ‘ere a right to say when a man is crazy and when he ain’t.
Sometimes I think it ain’t none of us pure crazy and ain’t none of us pure sane until the balance
of us talks him that-a-way. It’s like it ain’t so much what a fellow does, but it’s the way the
majority of folks is looking at him when he does it.»

As I lay Dying, by William Faulkner

R.I.P. Bert Cooper

Robert Morse as Bertram Cooper, president of the advertising company Sterling & Cooper, on the succesful and awarded TV series Mad Men.

The big leap, by Lacoste

I don’t care much about fashion and advertisement, but I can see how art and publicity are related.
I love this ad. I think it depicts exactly how we’ve all felt at certain defining moments of our lives.

That’s life…

That’s life
That’s what all the people say
You’re riding high in April, shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune
When I’m back on top, back on top in June

Frank Sinatra, That’s life (1966)

 

One day…

“Forse un giorno scopriremo… che non ci siamo mai perduti… E che tutta quella tristezza in realtà, non è mai esistita… ”

Renato Zero, I migliori anni della nostra vita

Maybe one day we’ll find out… that we were never lost… And that all that sadness actually never existed…

Dies de carretera

Sopa de Cabra, one of the best Catalan rock bands in the nineties.

You left home,
in the streets everything was burning,
looking for good cards,
you reached the end of the city,
nothing to lose
what you had needed to change,
nothing to believe in, either
just a guitar to keep you dreaming.

Life’s waiting, days on the road
you never wanted to go back,
the world was in your hands .

You were happy just living on the ropes,
but that was not enough,
you would be part of history
and perhaps even the new king of rock
the road to fame
wherever you went you were never alone
but apart from your guitar
your only true friend was alcohol.

If all you ever dreamed of is farther away everyday,
maybe time has come to wake up,
fallen from the stars
These days some believe you’ve lost everything,
rolling down the gutter you happily sing an old song .

Life’s waiting, days on the road
life’s waiting, you never wanted to go back,
life’s waiting , the world is in your hands,

If all you ever dreamed of is farther away everyday,
maybe time has come to wake up.

Feeling again against your face
the icy wind from the north,
and if you’re on your own, at least try to rely on luck.

Time to wake up

Si cada dia està més lluny tot el que has somiat, potser ha arribat l’hora de despertar.
“Dies de carretera”, Sopa de cabra, La Roda (1990)

If all you ever dreamed of is farther away everyday, maybe time has come to wake up.

The waiting

broken dollUncertainty is the worst. At least for me. I know there are people who find it exciting not knowing what comes next, but definetely not me. I’m too anxious and I can’t stand it. Not to mention those occasions when previously something bad happened. What now? Is it going to get worst or better? And in worst case scenario, when whatever’s going to happen next depends almost entirely on what you might do… what should YOU do?

You happened to ruin something unintentionally, but other people didn’t see it that way and went completely mad at you. You feel terrible. You wish you could mend it. Fix it. Fix something you broke. Yes, that’s why I titled this weblog the way I did. I have the awful feeling that I’ve broken, ruined so many things, lately that I don’t know if that’s just in my nature anymore. And thinking that you’re destined to keep breaking everything, ruining everything, only helps increasing the possibilities of ‘history repeating itself’, as they say. But what right do you have to try to mend something that maybe others have no intention to mend? To interfere in others’ right to be angry and not forgive?

However, it’s inevitable to feel helpless when you feel you’ve been misunderstood… or you feel at least that you didn’t want to cause as much pain as you’ve caused… Maybe you didn’t even cause that much pain… So it still doesn’t depend on you. And so you have to wait. Either wait for the other to forgive you, or either wait for bad times to go by. And that is, forgiving yourself in the process. Just let it go. And keep facing the Uncertainty. What if…? What could have happened if…?

Asking for forgiveness is scary. That’s why most people don’t do it. That’s why many issues remain unsolved, even after both parts are dead. It’s not pride. Pride is actually just a small part of it all. It’s all about the fear of being rejected
But what about forgiving yourself, which is doubtlessly the biggest challenge, the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to do in your entire life? I found out that I need to keep punishing myself. If I just let it go, which turns out to be easier for me than I thought, do I look like a monster? The paradox is that punishing yourself doesn’t prevent you from making the same mistake over and over again. Ironically, only forgiving yourself thoroughly -and that usually takes time- does. As well as acceptance. 

I’ve lost count of the disputes I’ve had with several people in the last year and a half. It’s becoming worrying. Maybe I choose the wrong people… or rather let the wrong people choose me. But that’s potential material for another post. Anyway, yesterday, telling a friend about my last dispute, which had kept me crying the whole afternoon and evening, I remembered the lyrics of that great song: ‘the waiting is the hardest part’.

 

Why, oh why another useless blog

Because my mind wanders. All the time. And lately it is ungovernable. And the best way to give an outlet to all these thoughts is writing them down and sharing them with whomever wants to read them.

Because I like to write every now and then, although I’m not consistent. In fact I’m not consistent in anything I do. We’ll see about this weblog. It might be another failure to add to my record. Who knows.

Because I’m an exhibitionist. These days you can be an exhibitionist on any social network on the internet. The thing is, here you don’t need to befriend anybody you might end up disliking and not knowing how to get rid of because you do actually depend on others liking you, which by the way is, I know, quite pathetic.

This is probably the worst cover letter ever. But keep in touch if you’re brave. And feel free to eventually dislike me. Or even hate me.