The waiting

by Meritxell Riera Prims

broken dollUncertainty is the worst. At least for me. I know there are people who find it exciting not knowing what comes next, but definetely not me. I’m too anxious and I can’t stand it. Not to mention those occasions when previously something bad happened. What now? Is it going to get worst or better? And in worst case scenario, when whatever’s going to happen next depends almost entirely on what you might do… what should YOU do?

You happened to ruin something unintentionally, but other people didn’t see it that way and went completely mad at you. You feel terrible. You wish you could mend it. Fix it. Fix something you broke. Yes, that’s why I titled this weblog the way I did. I have the awful feeling that I’ve broken, ruined so many things, lately that I don’t know if that’s just in my nature anymore. And thinking that you’re destined to keep breaking everything, ruining everything, only helps increasing the possibilities of ‘history repeating itself’, as they say. But what right do you have to try to mend something that maybe others have no intention to mend? To interfere in others’ right to be angry and not forgive?

However, it’s inevitable to feel helpless when you feel you’ve been misunderstood… or you feel at least that you didn’t want to cause as much pain as you’ve caused… Maybe you didn’t even cause that much pain… So it still doesn’t depend on you. And so you have to wait. Either wait for the other to forgive you, or either wait for bad times to go by. And that is, forgiving yourself in the process. Just let it go. And keep facing the Uncertainty. What if…? What could have happened if…?

Asking for forgiveness is scary. That’s why most people don’t do it. That’s why many issues remain unsolved, even after both parts are dead. It’s not pride. Pride is actually just a small part of it all. It’s all about the fear of being rejected
But what about forgiving yourself, which is doubtlessly the biggest challenge, the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to do in your entire life? I found out that I need to keep punishing myself. If I just let it go, which turns out to be easier for me than I thought, do I look like a monster? The paradox is that punishing yourself doesn’t prevent you from making the same mistake over and over again. Ironically, only forgiving yourself thoroughly -and that usually takes time- does. As well as acceptance. 

I’ve lost count of the disputes I’ve had with several people in the last year and a half. It’s becoming worrying. Maybe I choose the wrong people… or rather let the wrong people choose me. But that’s potential material for another post. Anyway, yesterday, telling a friend about my last dispute, which had kept me crying the whole afternoon and evening, I remembered the lyrics of that great song: ‘the waiting is the hardest part’.