How to fix something broken

Random thoughts

Month: June, 2014

Lost kisses

If they had given me a dollar for every opportunity I’ve missed to kiss or to make love to a guy I really liked, I would be a zillionaire by now.

Electra

Electra at the Tomb of Agamemnon by Frederic Leighton (1869)

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Sad to admit it, but I’m at a point when I think the only man I trust is my father, and not even so.

Is there anybody out there?

Delight in self-pity, part II

Opening of the 1979 Mexican soap-opera Los ricos también lloran (The rich also cry)

Delight in self-pity

Just because, OK?

Puzzle-woman

The Enigma, from the American freak Jim Rose Circus

ImageI’ve always been really good at solving puzzles. When I was two years old I could solve puzzles for children aged five. But the one that is my life has been resisting me for a long time now. Pieces don’t seem to fit. 

People keep telling me that it’s hard to figure me out. That sometimes I’m high and all of a sudden I’m low. And since I don’t talk much about what’s in my mind, of course folks get puzzled themselves. 

But I actually think it’s quite simple if you just have the courage and the patience to pay attention. I’m not fucking bipolar or a nutcase (and please, I beg those people who suffer these personality disorders to sincerely excuse me).

The think is quite simple: it’s not that I’m fine and all at once I feel terrible. Maybe I just don’t feel that good at all and all I’m doing is wear a disguise most of the time. And every now and then, when I drop it, what’s beneath reveals itself.

Basically, what I do is running away from my own self. I’ve hardly been listening to myself lately. For some reason it turns out to be to scary for me.

I know: the sole idea feels scary.

 

 

Story of my life

Even in the quietest moments
I wish I knew what I had to do
And even though the sun is shining
Well I feel the rain, here it comes again, dear
And even when you showed me
My heart was out of tune
For there’s a shadow of doubt that’s not letting me find you too soon
The music that you gave me
The language of my soul
Oh Lord, I want to be with you.
Won’t you let me come in from the cold?

Man that you fear

‘When all of your wishes are granted many of your dreams will be destroyed’

Wishmaster

Image from the horror movie Wishmaster, produced by Wes Craven (1997) 

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They say ‘Be careful what you wish for: it might come true’. I say that’s an honest-to-God truth.

The way I understand it -or want to- the saying refers to all those negative things you unconsciously attract through anticipation and end up happening. Like pushing away people, provoke a fight, predict a failure…

If deep down you want people to walk out on you, believe me, they will.

If deep down you’re trying to make someone mad at you and cause a dispute, you’ll succeed.

If you believe you’re going to fail, failure is guaranteed.

If you secretly want to unleash Hell, you -AND ONLY YOU- will.

Contrition

  Detail of La conversione di San Paolo, by Caravaggio (1601)

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 It’s funny. Where I come from, a country with a deeply Catholic background, devotion and sacrifice are always depicted through blood and tears: a Virgin mourning the death of her Son, hands and feet bleeding from having been nailed to a cross.

However, to God tears or blood are not evidence enough of the yearning for Salvation, Forgiveness or merely Love.

God does not demand those things. God does not even require your sacrifice. He/She/It doesn’t want you to prove loyalty through suffering. God only wants a proof of Love. You can only eventually save, forgive, love if you’ve saved, forgiven and loved yourself.

Otherwise, not even God has the ‘power’ to do such things for you.